I think too much about the things that I want to do, instead of just doing them. And I don’t do them for the stupidest reasons. Well……reason. Singular. Just one. Fear.
I don’t do things that I would enjoy and have fun doing and USED to do, simply because I think there is the possibility that other people will judge me. And I’m afraid of embarrassing myself. This isn’t always the case. I took scuba lessons, and I was kind of scared. But because my swimming skills are not as strong as others, and because I was having a hard time with it (due to legitimate pain), I haven’t done my open water test for fear of NOT being able to do it. And now it has been so long, I know that I would have to go for refresher classes.
But it’s littler things too. Like playing pool (I know…..I know), and taking rowing classes, and classes at the gym, and signing up for courses that will help my career, and running outside and a million and one other things. And I don’t’ know why. I mean, it’s not like I NEVER do anything that gives me the smallest amount of fear…..I just don’t do enough of those things. And I know that to be happy and fulfilled, I need to get the hell over myself. I need to do these things BECAUSE, for one reason or another (or none at all in some cases), they scare me.
Primarily, it is because I am afraid of looking foolish in front of others. And not just strangers, but also people I know. And this is something that I kind of hate about myself. I have good friends, and I am able to laugh at myself, so this shouldn’t be as big of an issue as I think it is. But it is. And I have to get past it.
I know……’feel the fear and do it anyway’. A whole damn book was written about this very thing. It’s also easier said then done. I also know that people are not thinking about me/looking at me/caring about what I’m doing nearly as much as I fear they are. Still……..it scares me that SOMEONE could be, maybe possibly looking at exactly the wrong time when I (could literally) fall flat on my face. Would it be the end of the world? Nope. Would I get over it? Yup. Still scares me shitless.
So. How do we go from being relatively fearless children to hesitant, cautious, scared adults? I know not everyone is like this, so why is it some and not others? And I know that there are kids that are that are scared and cautious to the point of inactivity, but I suspect that happens more these days, not back when I was a kid and we were able to go outside, alone or with friends to play, in our front yards even, and leave our parents sight for hours at a time. I was fairly shy, sure, but not overly fearful. Nothing “bad” happened to me to make me more fearful as I got older, so is it simply a side effect of getting older, cautiousness creeps in, pessimism sneaks up on us, we know more about what *could* hurt us, therefore we do less? How does this happen? What is it in human nature that makes some more susceptible to this change than others?
Am I the only one that feels this way? I’m sure I’m not. I can’t be. I’m also not sure that I know how to get past it. Is it REALLY just a matter of ‘doing it anyway’?? So simple yet oh so very hard. I need……a push. A map. A life strategist. A…….sense of fearlessness. The list of things I want to do is long, and will only get longer if I don’t figure out how to get past this.
I’m looking for insight, looking within myself, trying to determine how to do these things without making myself crazy. I’m also trying to figure out which of the items I want to cross off first and how I’m going to get there. And how I’m going to work up the courage in the first place.
