My list

It makes me sad that we’re not the way we used to be anymore. I know that it’s to be expected, people grow apart, people change, people’s relationships change. But still…..it makes me sad.

I wish that I could let the past go. I tell myself that I can and I have…..but I haven’t. Not completely.

I want to be more than I am….and more than I think I will ever be. But I don’t know how to and I’m scared to try.

I wish you would do the things you should do. But I don’t want to hurt you by saying that to you…I just hope that one day it will happen.

You need to step down from your self-righteous tower. You have no reason to behave that way – and more people believe that than not.

I’m jealous.

You hurt me, many times over. And I’ve forgotten most of them. But some will never fade.

I have regrets. I call them lessons when talking to others, but really? They’re regrets. I don’t know if I’m fooling anyone.

I have secrets that I haven’t told you, and don’t know if I ever will. I fear that it’s too late, and I’m worried you’ll think badly of me once you know.

I’m so happy with how much you love me. I just hope that you know how much I love you.

Getting over......myself?

I think too much about the things that I want to do, instead of just doing them. And I don’t do them for the stupidest reasons. Well……reason. Singular. Just one. Fear.

I don’t do things that I would enjoy and have fun doing and USED to do, simply because I think there is the possibility that other people will judge me. And I’m afraid of embarrassing myself. This isn’t always the case. I took scuba lessons, and I was kind of scared. But because my swimming skills are not as strong as others, and because I was having a hard time with it (due to legitimate pain), I haven’t done my open water test for fear of NOT being able to do it. And now it has been so long, I know that I would have to go for refresher classes.

But it’s littler things too. Like playing pool (I know…..I know), and taking rowing classes, and classes at the gym, and signing up for courses that will help my career, and running outside and a million and one other things. And I don’t’ know why. I mean, it’s not like I NEVER do anything that gives me the smallest amount of fear…..I just don’t do enough of those things. And I know that to be happy and fulfilled, I need to get the hell over myself. I need to do these things BECAUSE, for one reason or another (or none at all in some cases), they scare me.

Primarily, it is because I am afraid of looking foolish in front of others. And not just strangers, but also people I know. And this is something that I kind of hate about myself. I have good friends, and I am able to laugh at myself, so this shouldn’t be as big of an issue as I think it is. But it is. And I have to get past it.

I know……’feel the fear and do it anyway’. A whole damn book was written about this very thing. It’s also easier said then done. I also know that people are not thinking about me/looking at me/caring about what I’m doing nearly as much as I fear they are. Still……..it scares me that SOMEONE could be, maybe possibly looking at exactly the wrong time when I (could literally) fall flat on my face. Would it be the end of the world? Nope. Would I get over it? Yup. Still scares me shitless.

So. How do we go from being relatively fearless children to hesitant, cautious, scared adults? I know not everyone is like this, so why is it some and not others? And I know that there are kids that are that are scared and cautious to the point of inactivity, but I suspect that happens more these days, not back when I was a kid and we were able to go outside, alone or with friends to play, in our front yards even, and leave our parents sight for hours at a time. I was fairly shy, sure, but not overly fearful. Nothing “bad” happened to me to make me more fearful as I got older, so is it simply a side effect of getting older, cautiousness creeps in, pessimism sneaks up on us, we know more about what *could* hurt us, therefore we do less? How does this happen? What is it in human nature that makes some more susceptible to this change than others?

Am I the only one that feels this way? I’m sure I’m not. I can’t be. I’m also not sure that I know how to get past it. Is it REALLY just a matter of ‘doing it anyway’?? So simple yet oh so very hard. I need……a push. A map. A life strategist. A…….sense of fearlessness. The list of things I want to do is long, and will only get longer if I don’t figure out how to get past this.

I’m looking for insight, looking within myself, trying to determine how to do these things without making myself crazy. I’m also trying to figure out which of the items I want to cross off first and how I’m going to get there. And how I’m going to work up the courage in the first place.

Finding joy

I’m inspired (and also baffled) by those who can find joy and beauty in everything. They appreciate everything that life throws at them, from bad weather to a promotion to weddings, to job loss to a major appliance exploding at the exact worst time and to the glass of the best wine they have ever tasted. They see all the good in the positive, and all the possible good in the negative.
Dreary, dull, rainy days (such as today), are not to be shunned…..it’s early spring, and really, the rain will help melt the last of the snow and prepare the ground for the green grass and flowers to come. The sunny days should not be wasted indoors, they should be enjoyed outside, breathing in the clean, muddy smelling air. A horrible cooking experiment can be laughed at later with those it was shared with. And new experiences with old and new friends are looked upon with fondness down the road.
I am not a pessimistic person for the most part. Oh sure, we all have our days, but I try (sometimes oh so very hard), to find the humour and joy in life. After all, you get to the point where if you don’t laugh about it? Well, you’ll just end up crying. Or throwing things. Or saying things you certainly don’t mean to someone you care about simply from the frustration of it all. But I am actively trying to be more like those people that find the joy. I envy them. And I truly believe that they are healthier, happier people overall.
I want to be able to look out the window at the rainy day and see what it will bring, not the grey, heavy sky and dullness that makes me not want to get out of bed. I want to approach new experiences with enthusiasm and confidence, not with the fear that I will make a fool of myself (however valid a fear that may be). I want to live life……..fully.
I fear now that I have missed or passed up opportunities because of the small(ish) amount of pessimism I hold, because of the fear of embarrassing myself (and we all know that no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are). I also fear that I am past the point of being able to BE one of those people. Is it possible to change your outlook in such a way so as to become more optimistic and joyful overall?
I think I need to start taking more chances and opportunities….and use that whole damn ‘feel the fear and do it anyways’ thing. Easier said than done….I know. But I also know that if I don’t take chances and opportunities that I will regret it……and I know that I don’t want regret in my life. Regret changes nothing. I want to be able to sometimes just take the vacation that I want without thinking about what else I could spend the money on. I want to take the rowing lessons, just to see if I like it. I want to make these changes now, so I don’t look back ten to fifteen years down the road and wonder WHY I didn’t do it now.
And I want to cook the delicious meal no matter how horribly it may turn out and dance like no one’s watching and go to concerts and buy fresh flowers and see the joy in the rain AND the sun. I’m trying so hard to do this now, more consciously, but man……some days. Today won’t be one of them.

Disclaimer

I'm still figuring out this whole blogging thing, and have not yet spent enough time figuring out how it all works. So no links yet. And my apologies if I refer to someone or somthing and DON'T provide a link. I'm getting there!!

My Little Secret (not to be confused with 'My Little Pony', this is TOTALLY different)

I don’t want him to know how badly I want the ring. The proposal, the engagement, the symbol, the promise. Despite his assertions that he wants to be married to me. Despite the fact that we have talked about it in the vaguest of terms. Despite that fact that I’m sure he knows that I want it. I don’t know that he knows how much I want it.

Do you watch The Office? If you don’t, you should. Anyway, Pam got the Dundie for the ‘longest engagement’. 3+ years, people. Now, I’m ok with a long-ish engagement, I don’t think 1-1.5 years is unreasonable, depending on when you get engaged vs. when you want to get married, and how elaborate the plans are. But 3 years is a bit much. So in these vague conversations and random comments, he has said that he would never make me wait that long after getting engaged. But….how long do I have to wait to get engaged in the first place?

We’ve been together for over 3 years now. I don’t doubt his love for me. I don’t doubt our relationship. I don’t doubt that we will be happy together for a long time. But I *want* the ring. Not just because I like shiny things (because I do). But because I want that extra promise. It doesn’t have to be huge or extravagant. I don’t think that the three months salary deal is realistic, especially now. But I want the ring, nonetheless.

Now admittedly, I probably haven’t been as……enthusiastic about the prospect as I could be. I don’t think he doubts my love for him either, but when he makes a comment, I don’t take it as far as I could, and have never outright asked him. And it’s all because of our pasts. We both had long-term relationships that were strictly ‘no marriage’. Not because we didn’t believe in it, but because we couldn't imagine being married to those other people. And I know that his ex had brought it up with him many, many times in their years together. And I do not want to do the same. So I downplay it. And maybe that’s the wrong thing to do.

I don’t want to pressure him. And I know we can’t afford to get married right now, and I know that even a ring may cost more than we can afford in the next little while. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want what I want, and every time an occasion rolls around that involves gifts…….I can’t help but get my hopes up just a little bit.

God knows we have enough stuff going on right now that this is not something that is high on the list of priorities……but…..I’m 30. And while that’s not old, I don’t want to be 40 before I get married. And I have some friends that have been married AND divorced by 30, which makes me ok with waiting….but I know that *we* are not *them*. I guess all I’m looking for is some sort of sign that this is on the horizon in the near-ish future. I don’t think that’s too much to ask…..is it??

I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, having read about thisfish on iVillage having the same feelings, feelings she described so perfectly, so much better than I ever could that the whole time I was reading the post, I was nodding my head and thinking ‘thank god it’s NOT just me’. And reading the comments, where readers had felt the same way and lost their shit and it ruined the proposal for them because they had made a HUGE deal out of it and spoiled the pleasure they could have gotten from it. The joy of the moment. And I certainly don’t want THAT. She has since had a long conversation with her beau about how much it means to her and it is becoming a priority for them. And I’m happy for her, this blogger I do not know and will likely never meet. But I’m so damn happy for her. And jealous. But I’m not QUITE there yet, not quite ready to have that conversation. I can only hope (and I’m sure it will), that when I do get to that point, if it becomes necessary in order for me to NOT lose my shit, that the outcome will be just as positive.

For now, I will be content to not push it.

So what the hell do I do now????

All the miscellaneous blog posts I had had in my head? *POOF*. Gone. Like the freaking wind.

Ahem.


So my “goals” for the year aren’t panning out so well. Shocking, I KNOW. But I’m not the only one who has fallen off the proverbial wagon.

Aside from reading WAY too many blogs during “work”, I have been up to precisely NOTHING. The Boy and I had a nice, if low-key Valentine’s Day. I thought we were doing nothing, and he in turn made me a nice candlelight dinner with champagne, gave me chocolates and flowers. I, on the other hand, went against my better judgement and got him sweet fuck all, and now feel like a heel. And a cheap one at that. So I’m trying to think of ways to make it up to him. (SHUT IT).

I’ve been thinking about my life in terms of my hobbies and what I actually have passion for. Not that I’m necessarily looking for a career change at this point (HA! career…), but what do I do that ultimately makes me happy?? I mean, lots of things make me happy, but is there anything that I enjoy so much that I could turn it into a career should the opportunity present itself?

I have lots of interests that are going unfulfilled….I started (barely) an event planning course that has fallen by the wayside. But I like planning and scheduling things like that. I like the research and seeing events and stuff through form beginning to end. I’ve looked into taking nutrition and wellness specialist’s courses. I like learning about nutrition and health and fitness, despite not actively do the things I need to do to follow through with what I’ve learned. But do I like it enough to make it a career? Do I like either of these things enough to make it a career?

Add to this the things that I want to do for fun, and holy hell…..well, there is not enough time to do it all, and not enough money to pursue it all. So how do I choose?? I want to travel, I want to take cooking lessons, I want to learn to row, I’d like to finish my scuba certification (that one isn’t likely, but I do WANT to finish, so it counts). There are more, but these are the ones that have crossed my mind most recently.

I’m past the point of being able to do “30 before 30”. I can do a life list like “101 things in 1001 days”, which seems a little more reasonable, but I suspect I would get discouraged if the bulk of the things I wanted to do couldn’t be completed due to aforementioned lack of time and money. So what says you, Innerentz? How do I go about accomplishing my goals in terms of hobbies and passions? And the first one to say ‘you just have to do it!!”, gets a kick in the teeth. It is indeed easier said than done. So tell me how to make it done easier.

In the moment

You know the saying ‘work smart, not hard’? Yeah….I need to work on that.

Logically, I know that’s how I should work. I know that I need to learn to be more mindful in everything that I do. I know that I need to sit down and pay more attention and focus and be more ‘in the moment’, but I haven’t figured out HOW to do that yet.

I know that I make excuses for this. I’m too busy, I’m too tired, I’m overwhelmed with too much to do. I don’t’ have to drop everything that I am doing in THAT moment to do what one person asks of me. And I find that I am doing this a lot at work. In many cases, it is very much because of the excuses that I mentioned above. I am doing the job of two, sometimes three people on any given day. I can spend some days running up and down the stairs far more than I am at my desk. And I can have so many things land on my desk at once that I have to leave myself notes about other things that have to be done, outside of my ‘to-do’ list.

It’s in those moments that I need to FOCUS. Yes, that deserves all caps. I need to learn how to finish one task before moving on to another…..I know what happens when I do that. I know that I become distracted and forget where I was and lose my train of thought and spend more time getting back to it than I would have spent finishing it in the first place.

How do we get into these habits……and more importantly, how do we get out? I know the answer to that of course. You make a decision, and you do it. Because no one is going to monitor this and keep me on track but me. Clearly I am not someone that is just naturally good at this type of thing. So I think I need a trigger……..a reminder to stay in the moment. There are few times when I can do that easily, like when I’m cooking…….I may not be paying attention to my hand chopping those vegetables, my mind may wander, but I am smelling the peppers and onions and spices and the bacon cooking and tasting the saltiness of the cheese and the lightness of the whipped butter. I am experiencing all of those things IN THE MOMENT, even if I’m not actively focussed on them. Which puts me one step closer to where I think I need to be. Now what I need is to figure out how to transfer that ability over to all the other areas of my life, both work and personal.

Because I? Truly do suck at it. Case in point: I stopped writing this post once to cruise the Interwebs. For about 5.2 seconds I wandered off because I thought about what I had turned away from doing for no good reason…..to do the very thing that I was writing about in the first place. Which I guess proves to me that I can do it……..but can I do it consistently?

I think maybe the best thing I can do for now is start small. Stay in the moment in conversations, actively listen, taste completely and be more in tune with everything. I truly believe that this is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat a product of the world we live in………….and maybe I just need to post this, and come back and read it every now and again when I find myself off-track and going in too many directions at once.

I don't wanna grow up......or do I?

When do you finally feel like a grown-up? Like a real adult? Like you are in charge of your life?

I'm sitting here thinking that at 30 years old, despite being able to pay for and drive my own car, pay my own rent, buy my own groceries and pay my own bills, despite having had many jobs and currently having two, despite negotiating with the bank and making my own plans and doing so many of the thing associate d with being a grown-up.........why do I still feel like I'm floundering? Like I have yet to get a foothold on life as an adult? Like no matter how close I come, I'm not QUITE there yet? When does that change? Or does it ever change? Maybe it's a mindset that I haven't gotten in to yet, or maybe it's just that it happens when it happens and there is no way to change that consciously.

Things are changing in our lives, seemingly all for the good at this point, and that's awesome and I'm excited about the possibilities. But it all makes me wonder if it's late getting here, or if we are 'on schedule'. I have friends that seem to be so much farther ahead, but when I look deeper and harder at their individual situations, maybe they aren't farther ahead. Maybe they rushed ahead, and are now moving backwards to where they are supposed to be. No one really expects to get married, have a kid and be divorced by 30....do they? Considering I have more than one friend in this situation, it makes me think that I am indeed doing this the right way.

I need to stop looking at what other people have, and what they have accomplished (whether it's through hard work or not), and focus on what is right for me and what I ultimately want. I know that that is what I should do. But dammit, it's hard sometimes. I'm getting there, I really am.....it's just that my focus gets lost sometimes. I'm working on finding my focus again.....and I know that I'll get there.

Woohoo!!!

We have progress, people!! The lay-off chaos is slowly coming down and things are settling and plans are being made and goals are being set and we can get back to some sense of normalcy. Whatever the hell that is.

If all goes according to plan, we can get back to house0-hunting within a couple of months and make something happen there before the HST comes into effect. It means we can get some debt paid. It means we can move froward. Sigh. It's been a long time coming.

Of course, with some of the changes come some other options. With The Boy's new career, the locations open up and with it the possibilities. So, really, we could move. Or we could stay. Or we could.....I don't know. We have options, is all I'm saying, and that, my friends, is a good thing.

I feel like we are now at a point where we can start to breathe again. It's not all done yet, but it's almost there, and there are no foreseeable bumps in the road. I'm hoping there is no cause to go backwards, but even if there is, we can make it work.

I have been horrible at actually doing all the things I need to do, or should do. I haven't been looking after myself the way I should and have been letting things get to me that I have no control over. I have been over-tired and over-stressed, and it's all leading to frustration. I felt moderately better after a mini-breakdown on the weekend, but must get back to looking after me. I guess baby steps will be the key.

On the bright side, while having my little mini-breakdown on the weekend, The Boy did mention a list of things that he wants out of life.....like buying a house....and getting married. Which....yay? I mean, we've talked about it in vague terms, but I also know how he has felt about marriage in the past, and I don't think he has ever stated so specifically that he wants to get married. And now, I can see it actually becoming a reality. I have been thinking about marriage A LOT lately....probably more than is healthy, since there was no sign of it being something that was going to take place in the near future. And I want to get married. And I'm excited about that being a possibility too. So cheers to good things.

Mememememe

Ok, so I totally bogarted this ‘year in review’ from others……I think I saw it on Sundry’s site first years ago. I think I need to reflect on 2009 more than other years in order to fully form a plan and know what I need to do to get to where I want to be in 2010. I don’t make resolutions. They are too daunting. I will set goals for myself, however, because I have to have something to work towards….and not blindly.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to Virginia, started a blog ….sadly that’s all I can think of right now. There must have been more, but I think they only way I would remember would be if I had a blog to reflect on.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One friend had an awesome little baby boy.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother-in-law passed away – it was expected, but sad, especially right before Christmas
5. What countries did you visit?
The US
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Motivation to do the things that I need to do and the time to do the things I want to do. More money, an idea of where I want my future to be career-wise, stability and an engagement. Also, travel.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My 30th birthday, which I was dreading (but the party was great!). The logn weekend we took in Virginia Beach in May. Other than that, the entire month of March sucked donkey balls, so let’s not do THAT again, m’kay?
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a gym membership and using it. Paying off a student loan (one down!!) and maintaining a positive outlook (for the most part), through periods of suckiness that just. Kept. Coming.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Umm…..not sticking to the gym thing as much as I should or want to. Also? Not taking time for ME.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. *knocks on wood*
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Huh. I don’t know, really. Can’t think of anything in particular, but it certainly wasn’t a year for big or exciting purchases. 2010 sure as hell won’t be either.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
C’s, for his patient and laid back attitude every single time I lost my shit.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My brother’s, to some degree.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt, rent/moving, and miscellaneous crap that we probably didn’t need.
15. What did you get really excited about?
Virginia Beach, baby!!!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I’m Yours by Jason Mraz. There are probably others, but that’s the only one springing to mind right now
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier overall
– thinner or fatter? Ummm…about the same
– richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going to the gym, taking more time for me, seeing some friends more, and paying more attention to…life in general.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work. And worry.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With C and family at various times
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I had already fallen for C…..but love him more as time goes by (sickening, I know)
22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office and Dexter
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
There are certainly people that I am not fond of, but ‘hate’ seems a little too harsh and hating someone would definitely take up way too much of my time.
24. What was the best book you read?
Ummm….apparently none were that memorable.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kings of Leon??? Not so much a ‘discovery’, but an instant liking.
26. What did you want and get?
To go to Virginia Beach with C, a gym membership.
27. What did you want and not get?
A house of our own, a ring, free time to go to the gym, read more, travel more.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Much like the book question? None stood out.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
30, party with friends at the cottage for a whole bloody weekend. It was the best birthday I never wanted to have.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If we were closer to being able to buy a house instead of dealing with circumstances causing that goal to be farther away.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Frustrating. I have a terrible time finding clothes that fit, so I sometimes end up buying things that ALMOST fit or are ALMOST right. As a result, I have some clothes that I like and are comfortable in, and some that are just ok, and leave me fussing all day. I’m trying to find more comfort while staying in the realm of work-appropriate.
32. What kept you sane?
C, and positive thinking in general (how much that worked is questionable).
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
John Krasinski. I heart Jim. J
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing really……I pay attention to it, but tend to not get ‘stirred’.
35. Who did you miss?
Friends and family I don’t get to see nearly enough
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Hmm…..I met a lot of new people, mostly through work, but am trying to focus more on the ‘best’ people I already know that I don’t get to spend enough time with.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
I learned that compromise is key, and that I need to pay more attention. And also that sometimes? You just know.