I’m working on becoming more decisive. I’m working on looking at the things that I don’t like about myself and attempting to change them. Not fix, but change. Adapt. Re-assess and re-vamp and revise.
I want to feel more like myself more of the time, and less like I am just plodding forward doing the things that I am supposed to do, and constantly being the one who solves the problems. I want to be able to sit back and let someone else take charge and not have to plan and arrange and schedule and then take the flack for it not working out. And maybe this is one of the things I have to look at changing….for my own sanity. Maybe I have to accept that that IS who I am. Or maybe I just need more paper trails.
I’m tired. I need to not be the one who has to think about it all. I need to not always be the cheer leader. I need to step back. And I need to think about what I need, and learn how to ask for it.
I’m moving forward, but standing still. I see progress, but not quickly. I see changes…..but not enough. And so I feel frustrated, and worn out from the trying. But I don’t want to stop trying, changing, moving forward, I just need to find new things. I need projects. Planning. But I also need to feel like I’m not doing it entirely on my own.
I’m working on finding fairness and equality. I’m working on losing the short-tempered hostility and finding more patience. I’m working on stepping back and looking at things through a fresh pair of eyes. And I’m working on making it an easier thing to do, something that is second nature.
As the fairly pessimistic optimist in the relationship, this is a tough balance for me. I work hard at it, and feel disappointed and guilt if I can’t provide the optimism and support to him. But sometimes…I just can’t. I have nothing left. I can’t deal with all of my shit PLUS all of his shit that he may or may not be doing anything about all the time. Something’s gotta give. And sometimes, I just have to say ‘fuck it’. Sometimes some things are just his problem and not mine to do anything about because I can’t fix it, and I can’t push and I can’t utter words of soothing calm and confidence because I just don’t have them.
I have a problem with empathy. See, sometimes when I look at a situation that is maybe nothing new, or easily remedied or whatever…….and I see it from the outside, and I hear the DRAMA! The ANGST! The STRESS! Well, I tune it out. I lose any smidgen of empathy (or is it sympathy at that point?) with the person experiencing it. Because really….you’re unhappy in your job? Look for a new one, or at least find ways to improve the one you have. Stressed about money? Don’t spend so recklessly and/or find a way to make more. Etc and so on and so forth. I can take my time to come to a decision, particularly when faced with tough ones. And sometimes (most times) inactivity and bitching about it is easier than DOING something about it. But I don’t recall anyone saying it would be easy. So….why the surprise?
I guess, all this is to say that I’m getting increasingly frustrated with a multitude of things in life and they’re all piling up and I feel like I have to tamp them down because of the stress that he’s feeling and I don’t want to add to it, but it’s frustrating me too because if you’re that unhappy then DO something about it for the love of GAWD. But? I can’t say that. So I sit and simmer and stew and shake my head and go back to the rambling thoughts in my head and pull on the tenuous string that attaches me to the optimism and try to get some of it back. Just enough of it to push away the bad and get me through one more day.
So, Internets. What do you do when you need something, but feel bad asking for it? And have not nearly enough of what someone else is looking for to give without losing the small amount you kept for yourself? How do you find the balance? And how do you do it without resentment and frustration? And how do you teach yourself to ask for what you need, whether you think you should or not?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Still learning
Alrighty....so we're winging it.
I thought this blogging thing would be easy, yo. Seems I get these great ideas floating around in my head, and so many times I have thought 'wow, if i had a blog, this would make a great post!'. And now here we are, and I got nothing. Well, ok, not NOTHING. But I seem to be having a hard time putting those thoughts to paper, so to speak. And really, that IS the point of this blog - to get back to and used to writing......to learn to express myself more clearly through writing.
I'm in the process of trying to figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my life, and am exploring education options, and career changes and all that goes along with it. For all intents and purposes, I'm currently in what one may consider the best possible position, not from an actual job standpoint, but from an overall employment standpoint. And the thing is, while it definitely has its benefits.....I'm not happy. My job does not make me happy. It doesn't challenge me and it doesn't make me want to get up in the morning. I'm bored and I'm frustrated, and I need a change. And I'm working on it.
The problem is....I feel like this is ongoing thing. I get into a job, and after about a year, I want a change. Sometimes it's because I know there isn't a future where I am, but a lot of times, it's boredom. I always feel like I'm making the right decision at the time, and in the long run, I am, but this restlessness, it makes me wonder. How do you decide what is right for you? How long does it take to find what you were meant to do? I know that I haven't found it yet, but I know what I'm doing now is not it, and I think I know what WILL make me happy. But do some people never find it? I can count on one hand the number 0f people I know who actually love their job. I want to be one of them.
Maybe it's the fall. Despite the fact that I haven't been in school for some time now, I always feel like this is a time of new beginnings, more so than on January 1st. Now I'm just trying to decide what my new beginning will be. This was going to be the year that I made a lot of changes, and I have made a good dent in that list. As hard as I try, I know that I can't do everything at once. But this one? This one is non-negotiable.
I thought this blogging thing would be easy, yo. Seems I get these great ideas floating around in my head, and so many times I have thought 'wow, if i had a blog, this would make a great post!'. And now here we are, and I got nothing. Well, ok, not NOTHING. But I seem to be having a hard time putting those thoughts to paper, so to speak. And really, that IS the point of this blog - to get back to and used to writing......to learn to express myself more clearly through writing.
I'm in the process of trying to figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my life, and am exploring education options, and career changes and all that goes along with it. For all intents and purposes, I'm currently in what one may consider the best possible position, not from an actual job standpoint, but from an overall employment standpoint. And the thing is, while it definitely has its benefits.....I'm not happy. My job does not make me happy. It doesn't challenge me and it doesn't make me want to get up in the morning. I'm bored and I'm frustrated, and I need a change. And I'm working on it.
The problem is....I feel like this is ongoing thing. I get into a job, and after about a year, I want a change. Sometimes it's because I know there isn't a future where I am, but a lot of times, it's boredom. I always feel like I'm making the right decision at the time, and in the long run, I am, but this restlessness, it makes me wonder. How do you decide what is right for you? How long does it take to find what you were meant to do? I know that I haven't found it yet, but I know what I'm doing now is not it, and I think I know what WILL make me happy. But do some people never find it? I can count on one hand the number 0f people I know who actually love their job. I want to be one of them.
Maybe it's the fall. Despite the fact that I haven't been in school for some time now, I always feel like this is a time of new beginnings, more so than on January 1st. Now I'm just trying to decide what my new beginning will be. This was going to be the year that I made a lot of changes, and I have made a good dent in that list. As hard as I try, I know that I can't do everything at once. But this one? This one is non-negotiable.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The short version
Some things you just know. It’s just a feeling. A sense. A…..rightness. And you don’t have facts to back it up. You don’t need them.
When The Boy and I met…..it was a different time and he and I were both in different places. I mean, they were the same places, but we didn’t know at first how much the same they really were. It was at work, and there is a certain level of professionalism when you first start working somewhere. You meet people, you say the right and appropriate things, and you learn. You learn the job and the office culture and the who’s who, and how things work. And through this, I learned about him. About his personality and the way he is, himself. And I learned more about his life. And in turn, he learned more about mine. And there were jokes, and perhaps speculations, and some teasing. And on the part of him and me, some flirting. And it was fun. But he was taken, and so was I, and it was all just joking around….right?
And as time went on, and we became better friends, inside and outside of work, and we learned more about each other, and our respective relationships were tumbling downhill……the dynamic changed. And the flirting, for me, went from ‘just for fun’, to ‘I wonder what he’s thinking’. Not that I would have ever asked........but I wondered.
More time….more talks….more hugs……more moments. We both went from relationships to single-dom, and work was no longer an issue. And, it was mentioned to me, by a mutual friend, and I laughed and shrugged it off, because surely he’s not thinking that? No….we’re too good of friends and I would never want to lose that. But it didn’t go away. And a few, short hours later…….
That first kiss, and it felt right. It felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I now belonged, as much as any one person can, to the one I was supposed to belong to.
And now. Three years later. It’s gone so fast, and I don’t know how I got so lucky. I always wondered how she couldn’t see and accept him for who he is. But then, mine couldn’t see me for me and just love and accept me for that instead of always making it a challenge, a fight. And now I finally have someone who does see me, and know me, and accept me, and love me for who I really am. There is no more fighting, no more walking on eggshells, just someone who is the perfect fit for me.
When The Boy and I met…..it was a different time and he and I were both in different places. I mean, they were the same places, but we didn’t know at first how much the same they really were. It was at work, and there is a certain level of professionalism when you first start working somewhere. You meet people, you say the right and appropriate things, and you learn. You learn the job and the office culture and the who’s who, and how things work. And through this, I learned about him. About his personality and the way he is, himself. And I learned more about his life. And in turn, he learned more about mine. And there were jokes, and perhaps speculations, and some teasing. And on the part of him and me, some flirting. And it was fun. But he was taken, and so was I, and it was all just joking around….right?
And as time went on, and we became better friends, inside and outside of work, and we learned more about each other, and our respective relationships were tumbling downhill……the dynamic changed. And the flirting, for me, went from ‘just for fun’, to ‘I wonder what he’s thinking’. Not that I would have ever asked........but I wondered.
More time….more talks….more hugs……more moments. We both went from relationships to single-dom, and work was no longer an issue. And, it was mentioned to me, by a mutual friend, and I laughed and shrugged it off, because surely he’s not thinking that? No….we’re too good of friends and I would never want to lose that. But it didn’t go away. And a few, short hours later…….
That first kiss, and it felt right. It felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I now belonged, as much as any one person can, to the one I was supposed to belong to.
And now. Three years later. It’s gone so fast, and I don’t know how I got so lucky. I always wondered how she couldn’t see and accept him for who he is. But then, mine couldn’t see me for me and just love and accept me for that instead of always making it a challenge, a fight. And now I finally have someone who does see me, and know me, and accept me, and love me for who I really am. There is no more fighting, no more walking on eggshells, just someone who is the perfect fit for me.
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