Disclaimer

I'm still figuring out this whole blogging thing, and have not yet spent enough time figuring out how it all works. So no links yet. And my apologies if I refer to someone or somthing and DON'T provide a link. I'm getting there!!

My Little Secret (not to be confused with 'My Little Pony', this is TOTALLY different)

I don’t want him to know how badly I want the ring. The proposal, the engagement, the symbol, the promise. Despite his assertions that he wants to be married to me. Despite the fact that we have talked about it in the vaguest of terms. Despite that fact that I’m sure he knows that I want it. I don’t know that he knows how much I want it.

Do you watch The Office? If you don’t, you should. Anyway, Pam got the Dundie for the ‘longest engagement’. 3+ years, people. Now, I’m ok with a long-ish engagement, I don’t think 1-1.5 years is unreasonable, depending on when you get engaged vs. when you want to get married, and how elaborate the plans are. But 3 years is a bit much. So in these vague conversations and random comments, he has said that he would never make me wait that long after getting engaged. But….how long do I have to wait to get engaged in the first place?

We’ve been together for over 3 years now. I don’t doubt his love for me. I don’t doubt our relationship. I don’t doubt that we will be happy together for a long time. But I *want* the ring. Not just because I like shiny things (because I do). But because I want that extra promise. It doesn’t have to be huge or extravagant. I don’t think that the three months salary deal is realistic, especially now. But I want the ring, nonetheless.

Now admittedly, I probably haven’t been as……enthusiastic about the prospect as I could be. I don’t think he doubts my love for him either, but when he makes a comment, I don’t take it as far as I could, and have never outright asked him. And it’s all because of our pasts. We both had long-term relationships that were strictly ‘no marriage’. Not because we didn’t believe in it, but because we couldn't imagine being married to those other people. And I know that his ex had brought it up with him many, many times in their years together. And I do not want to do the same. So I downplay it. And maybe that’s the wrong thing to do.

I don’t want to pressure him. And I know we can’t afford to get married right now, and I know that even a ring may cost more than we can afford in the next little while. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want what I want, and every time an occasion rolls around that involves gifts…….I can’t help but get my hopes up just a little bit.

God knows we have enough stuff going on right now that this is not something that is high on the list of priorities……but…..I’m 30. And while that’s not old, I don’t want to be 40 before I get married. And I have some friends that have been married AND divorced by 30, which makes me ok with waiting….but I know that *we* are not *them*. I guess all I’m looking for is some sort of sign that this is on the horizon in the near-ish future. I don’t think that’s too much to ask…..is it??

I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, having read about thisfish on iVillage having the same feelings, feelings she described so perfectly, so much better than I ever could that the whole time I was reading the post, I was nodding my head and thinking ‘thank god it’s NOT just me’. And reading the comments, where readers had felt the same way and lost their shit and it ruined the proposal for them because they had made a HUGE deal out of it and spoiled the pleasure they could have gotten from it. The joy of the moment. And I certainly don’t want THAT. She has since had a long conversation with her beau about how much it means to her and it is becoming a priority for them. And I’m happy for her, this blogger I do not know and will likely never meet. But I’m so damn happy for her. And jealous. But I’m not QUITE there yet, not quite ready to have that conversation. I can only hope (and I’m sure it will), that when I do get to that point, if it becomes necessary in order for me to NOT lose my shit, that the outcome will be just as positive.

For now, I will be content to not push it.

So what the hell do I do now????

All the miscellaneous blog posts I had had in my head? *POOF*. Gone. Like the freaking wind.

Ahem.


So my “goals” for the year aren’t panning out so well. Shocking, I KNOW. But I’m not the only one who has fallen off the proverbial wagon.

Aside from reading WAY too many blogs during “work”, I have been up to precisely NOTHING. The Boy and I had a nice, if low-key Valentine’s Day. I thought we were doing nothing, and he in turn made me a nice candlelight dinner with champagne, gave me chocolates and flowers. I, on the other hand, went against my better judgement and got him sweet fuck all, and now feel like a heel. And a cheap one at that. So I’m trying to think of ways to make it up to him. (SHUT IT).

I’ve been thinking about my life in terms of my hobbies and what I actually have passion for. Not that I’m necessarily looking for a career change at this point (HA! career…), but what do I do that ultimately makes me happy?? I mean, lots of things make me happy, but is there anything that I enjoy so much that I could turn it into a career should the opportunity present itself?

I have lots of interests that are going unfulfilled….I started (barely) an event planning course that has fallen by the wayside. But I like planning and scheduling things like that. I like the research and seeing events and stuff through form beginning to end. I’ve looked into taking nutrition and wellness specialist’s courses. I like learning about nutrition and health and fitness, despite not actively do the things I need to do to follow through with what I’ve learned. But do I like it enough to make it a career? Do I like either of these things enough to make it a career?

Add to this the things that I want to do for fun, and holy hell…..well, there is not enough time to do it all, and not enough money to pursue it all. So how do I choose?? I want to travel, I want to take cooking lessons, I want to learn to row, I’d like to finish my scuba certification (that one isn’t likely, but I do WANT to finish, so it counts). There are more, but these are the ones that have crossed my mind most recently.

I’m past the point of being able to do “30 before 30”. I can do a life list like “101 things in 1001 days”, which seems a little more reasonable, but I suspect I would get discouraged if the bulk of the things I wanted to do couldn’t be completed due to aforementioned lack of time and money. So what says you, Innerentz? How do I go about accomplishing my goals in terms of hobbies and passions? And the first one to say ‘you just have to do it!!”, gets a kick in the teeth. It is indeed easier said than done. So tell me how to make it done easier.