My list

It makes me sad that we’re not the way we used to be anymore. I know that it’s to be expected, people grow apart, people change, people’s relationships change. But still…..it makes me sad.

I wish that I could let the past go. I tell myself that I can and I have…..but I haven’t. Not completely.

I want to be more than I am….and more than I think I will ever be. But I don’t know how to and I’m scared to try.

I wish you would do the things you should do. But I don’t want to hurt you by saying that to you…I just hope that one day it will happen.

You need to step down from your self-righteous tower. You have no reason to behave that way – and more people believe that than not.

I’m jealous.

You hurt me, many times over. And I’ve forgotten most of them. But some will never fade.

I have regrets. I call them lessons when talking to others, but really? They’re regrets. I don’t know if I’m fooling anyone.

I have secrets that I haven’t told you, and don’t know if I ever will. I fear that it’s too late, and I’m worried you’ll think badly of me once you know.

I’m so happy with how much you love me. I just hope that you know how much I love you.

Getting over......myself?

I think too much about the things that I want to do, instead of just doing them. And I don’t do them for the stupidest reasons. Well……reason. Singular. Just one. Fear.

I don’t do things that I would enjoy and have fun doing and USED to do, simply because I think there is the possibility that other people will judge me. And I’m afraid of embarrassing myself. This isn’t always the case. I took scuba lessons, and I was kind of scared. But because my swimming skills are not as strong as others, and because I was having a hard time with it (due to legitimate pain), I haven’t done my open water test for fear of NOT being able to do it. And now it has been so long, I know that I would have to go for refresher classes.

But it’s littler things too. Like playing pool (I know…..I know), and taking rowing classes, and classes at the gym, and signing up for courses that will help my career, and running outside and a million and one other things. And I don’t’ know why. I mean, it’s not like I NEVER do anything that gives me the smallest amount of fear…..I just don’t do enough of those things. And I know that to be happy and fulfilled, I need to get the hell over myself. I need to do these things BECAUSE, for one reason or another (or none at all in some cases), they scare me.

Primarily, it is because I am afraid of looking foolish in front of others. And not just strangers, but also people I know. And this is something that I kind of hate about myself. I have good friends, and I am able to laugh at myself, so this shouldn’t be as big of an issue as I think it is. But it is. And I have to get past it.

I know……’feel the fear and do it anyway’. A whole damn book was written about this very thing. It’s also easier said then done. I also know that people are not thinking about me/looking at me/caring about what I’m doing nearly as much as I fear they are. Still……..it scares me that SOMEONE could be, maybe possibly looking at exactly the wrong time when I (could literally) fall flat on my face. Would it be the end of the world? Nope. Would I get over it? Yup. Still scares me shitless.

So. How do we go from being relatively fearless children to hesitant, cautious, scared adults? I know not everyone is like this, so why is it some and not others? And I know that there are kids that are that are scared and cautious to the point of inactivity, but I suspect that happens more these days, not back when I was a kid and we were able to go outside, alone or with friends to play, in our front yards even, and leave our parents sight for hours at a time. I was fairly shy, sure, but not overly fearful. Nothing “bad” happened to me to make me more fearful as I got older, so is it simply a side effect of getting older, cautiousness creeps in, pessimism sneaks up on us, we know more about what *could* hurt us, therefore we do less? How does this happen? What is it in human nature that makes some more susceptible to this change than others?

Am I the only one that feels this way? I’m sure I’m not. I can’t be. I’m also not sure that I know how to get past it. Is it REALLY just a matter of ‘doing it anyway’?? So simple yet oh so very hard. I need……a push. A map. A life strategist. A…….sense of fearlessness. The list of things I want to do is long, and will only get longer if I don’t figure out how to get past this.

I’m looking for insight, looking within myself, trying to determine how to do these things without making myself crazy. I’m also trying to figure out which of the items I want to cross off first and how I’m going to get there. And how I’m going to work up the courage in the first place.

Finding joy

I’m inspired (and also baffled) by those who can find joy and beauty in everything. They appreciate everything that life throws at them, from bad weather to a promotion to weddings, to job loss to a major appliance exploding at the exact worst time and to the glass of the best wine they have ever tasted. They see all the good in the positive, and all the possible good in the negative.
Dreary, dull, rainy days (such as today), are not to be shunned…..it’s early spring, and really, the rain will help melt the last of the snow and prepare the ground for the green grass and flowers to come. The sunny days should not be wasted indoors, they should be enjoyed outside, breathing in the clean, muddy smelling air. A horrible cooking experiment can be laughed at later with those it was shared with. And new experiences with old and new friends are looked upon with fondness down the road.
I am not a pessimistic person for the most part. Oh sure, we all have our days, but I try (sometimes oh so very hard), to find the humour and joy in life. After all, you get to the point where if you don’t laugh about it? Well, you’ll just end up crying. Or throwing things. Or saying things you certainly don’t mean to someone you care about simply from the frustration of it all. But I am actively trying to be more like those people that find the joy. I envy them. And I truly believe that they are healthier, happier people overall.
I want to be able to look out the window at the rainy day and see what it will bring, not the grey, heavy sky and dullness that makes me not want to get out of bed. I want to approach new experiences with enthusiasm and confidence, not with the fear that I will make a fool of myself (however valid a fear that may be). I want to live life……..fully.
I fear now that I have missed or passed up opportunities because of the small(ish) amount of pessimism I hold, because of the fear of embarrassing myself (and we all know that no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are). I also fear that I am past the point of being able to BE one of those people. Is it possible to change your outlook in such a way so as to become more optimistic and joyful overall?
I think I need to start taking more chances and opportunities….and use that whole damn ‘feel the fear and do it anyways’ thing. Easier said than done….I know. But I also know that if I don’t take chances and opportunities that I will regret it……and I know that I don’t want regret in my life. Regret changes nothing. I want to be able to sometimes just take the vacation that I want without thinking about what else I could spend the money on. I want to take the rowing lessons, just to see if I like it. I want to make these changes now, so I don’t look back ten to fifteen years down the road and wonder WHY I didn’t do it now.
And I want to cook the delicious meal no matter how horribly it may turn out and dance like no one’s watching and go to concerts and buy fresh flowers and see the joy in the rain AND the sun. I’m trying so hard to do this now, more consciously, but man……some days. Today won’t be one of them.

Disclaimer

I'm still figuring out this whole blogging thing, and have not yet spent enough time figuring out how it all works. So no links yet. And my apologies if I refer to someone or somthing and DON'T provide a link. I'm getting there!!

My Little Secret (not to be confused with 'My Little Pony', this is TOTALLY different)

I don’t want him to know how badly I want the ring. The proposal, the engagement, the symbol, the promise. Despite his assertions that he wants to be married to me. Despite the fact that we have talked about it in the vaguest of terms. Despite that fact that I’m sure he knows that I want it. I don’t know that he knows how much I want it.

Do you watch The Office? If you don’t, you should. Anyway, Pam got the Dundie for the ‘longest engagement’. 3+ years, people. Now, I’m ok with a long-ish engagement, I don’t think 1-1.5 years is unreasonable, depending on when you get engaged vs. when you want to get married, and how elaborate the plans are. But 3 years is a bit much. So in these vague conversations and random comments, he has said that he would never make me wait that long after getting engaged. But….how long do I have to wait to get engaged in the first place?

We’ve been together for over 3 years now. I don’t doubt his love for me. I don’t doubt our relationship. I don’t doubt that we will be happy together for a long time. But I *want* the ring. Not just because I like shiny things (because I do). But because I want that extra promise. It doesn’t have to be huge or extravagant. I don’t think that the three months salary deal is realistic, especially now. But I want the ring, nonetheless.

Now admittedly, I probably haven’t been as……enthusiastic about the prospect as I could be. I don’t think he doubts my love for him either, but when he makes a comment, I don’t take it as far as I could, and have never outright asked him. And it’s all because of our pasts. We both had long-term relationships that were strictly ‘no marriage’. Not because we didn’t believe in it, but because we couldn't imagine being married to those other people. And I know that his ex had brought it up with him many, many times in their years together. And I do not want to do the same. So I downplay it. And maybe that’s the wrong thing to do.

I don’t want to pressure him. And I know we can’t afford to get married right now, and I know that even a ring may cost more than we can afford in the next little while. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want what I want, and every time an occasion rolls around that involves gifts…….I can’t help but get my hopes up just a little bit.

God knows we have enough stuff going on right now that this is not something that is high on the list of priorities……but…..I’m 30. And while that’s not old, I don’t want to be 40 before I get married. And I have some friends that have been married AND divorced by 30, which makes me ok with waiting….but I know that *we* are not *them*. I guess all I’m looking for is some sort of sign that this is on the horizon in the near-ish future. I don’t think that’s too much to ask…..is it??

I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, having read about thisfish on iVillage having the same feelings, feelings she described so perfectly, so much better than I ever could that the whole time I was reading the post, I was nodding my head and thinking ‘thank god it’s NOT just me’. And reading the comments, where readers had felt the same way and lost their shit and it ruined the proposal for them because they had made a HUGE deal out of it and spoiled the pleasure they could have gotten from it. The joy of the moment. And I certainly don’t want THAT. She has since had a long conversation with her beau about how much it means to her and it is becoming a priority for them. And I’m happy for her, this blogger I do not know and will likely never meet. But I’m so damn happy for her. And jealous. But I’m not QUITE there yet, not quite ready to have that conversation. I can only hope (and I’m sure it will), that when I do get to that point, if it becomes necessary in order for me to NOT lose my shit, that the outcome will be just as positive.

For now, I will be content to not push it.

So what the hell do I do now????

All the miscellaneous blog posts I had had in my head? *POOF*. Gone. Like the freaking wind.

Ahem.


So my “goals” for the year aren’t panning out so well. Shocking, I KNOW. But I’m not the only one who has fallen off the proverbial wagon.

Aside from reading WAY too many blogs during “work”, I have been up to precisely NOTHING. The Boy and I had a nice, if low-key Valentine’s Day. I thought we were doing nothing, and he in turn made me a nice candlelight dinner with champagne, gave me chocolates and flowers. I, on the other hand, went against my better judgement and got him sweet fuck all, and now feel like a heel. And a cheap one at that. So I’m trying to think of ways to make it up to him. (SHUT IT).

I’ve been thinking about my life in terms of my hobbies and what I actually have passion for. Not that I’m necessarily looking for a career change at this point (HA! career…), but what do I do that ultimately makes me happy?? I mean, lots of things make me happy, but is there anything that I enjoy so much that I could turn it into a career should the opportunity present itself?

I have lots of interests that are going unfulfilled….I started (barely) an event planning course that has fallen by the wayside. But I like planning and scheduling things like that. I like the research and seeing events and stuff through form beginning to end. I’ve looked into taking nutrition and wellness specialist’s courses. I like learning about nutrition and health and fitness, despite not actively do the things I need to do to follow through with what I’ve learned. But do I like it enough to make it a career? Do I like either of these things enough to make it a career?

Add to this the things that I want to do for fun, and holy hell…..well, there is not enough time to do it all, and not enough money to pursue it all. So how do I choose?? I want to travel, I want to take cooking lessons, I want to learn to row, I’d like to finish my scuba certification (that one isn’t likely, but I do WANT to finish, so it counts). There are more, but these are the ones that have crossed my mind most recently.

I’m past the point of being able to do “30 before 30”. I can do a life list like “101 things in 1001 days”, which seems a little more reasonable, but I suspect I would get discouraged if the bulk of the things I wanted to do couldn’t be completed due to aforementioned lack of time and money. So what says you, Innerentz? How do I go about accomplishing my goals in terms of hobbies and passions? And the first one to say ‘you just have to do it!!”, gets a kick in the teeth. It is indeed easier said than done. So tell me how to make it done easier.

In the moment

You know the saying ‘work smart, not hard’? Yeah….I need to work on that.

Logically, I know that’s how I should work. I know that I need to learn to be more mindful in everything that I do. I know that I need to sit down and pay more attention and focus and be more ‘in the moment’, but I haven’t figured out HOW to do that yet.

I know that I make excuses for this. I’m too busy, I’m too tired, I’m overwhelmed with too much to do. I don’t’ have to drop everything that I am doing in THAT moment to do what one person asks of me. And I find that I am doing this a lot at work. In many cases, it is very much because of the excuses that I mentioned above. I am doing the job of two, sometimes three people on any given day. I can spend some days running up and down the stairs far more than I am at my desk. And I can have so many things land on my desk at once that I have to leave myself notes about other things that have to be done, outside of my ‘to-do’ list.

It’s in those moments that I need to FOCUS. Yes, that deserves all caps. I need to learn how to finish one task before moving on to another…..I know what happens when I do that. I know that I become distracted and forget where I was and lose my train of thought and spend more time getting back to it than I would have spent finishing it in the first place.

How do we get into these habits……and more importantly, how do we get out? I know the answer to that of course. You make a decision, and you do it. Because no one is going to monitor this and keep me on track but me. Clearly I am not someone that is just naturally good at this type of thing. So I think I need a trigger……..a reminder to stay in the moment. There are few times when I can do that easily, like when I’m cooking…….I may not be paying attention to my hand chopping those vegetables, my mind may wander, but I am smelling the peppers and onions and spices and the bacon cooking and tasting the saltiness of the cheese and the lightness of the whipped butter. I am experiencing all of those things IN THE MOMENT, even if I’m not actively focussed on them. Which puts me one step closer to where I think I need to be. Now what I need is to figure out how to transfer that ability over to all the other areas of my life, both work and personal.

Because I? Truly do suck at it. Case in point: I stopped writing this post once to cruise the Interwebs. For about 5.2 seconds I wandered off because I thought about what I had turned away from doing for no good reason…..to do the very thing that I was writing about in the first place. Which I guess proves to me that I can do it……..but can I do it consistently?

I think maybe the best thing I can do for now is start small. Stay in the moment in conversations, actively listen, taste completely and be more in tune with everything. I truly believe that this is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat a product of the world we live in………….and maybe I just need to post this, and come back and read it every now and again when I find myself off-track and going in too many directions at once.