My Resolve

So….new year’s resolutions. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Ok, I’m not big on ‘resolutions’ per sé. I think, like most people, I never follow through. They’re never truly realistic, and therefore never attainable, or at the very least, they’re too broad. Then they end up forgotten in the junk drawer of our hectic lives.

But I think I need to make some goals. Some changes. This past year was busy and with lots of changes and the best-laid plans went to shit because I (and we) couldn’t’ follow through on a number of plans due to circumstances. So I know that I need to make some plans, especially in relation to finances and health. I know what needs to be done – take more time for myself, go to the gym and work out more, eat healthier, plan a better budget, set smaller financial goals, etc…..and I know HOW to do these things. I just…..have to do them.

I think my biggest setback will be not having the support I need form C. Not that he’s not supportive, because he is, but he’s also a bit of a saboteur, albeit subconsciously. He has a gym membership as well, but using it? Not so much. And always with an excuse. So I can’t wait for him anymore – I just have to go. I have to plan my own part of the budget – he’ll have to figure out his on his own….and we can work together on the rest. But now more than ever, a financial plan HAS to be in place. I don’t want to be responsible for covering our asses……and am worried it may come down to that.

I guess what I think I need to do is resolve to make the things happen that need to happen, but without making specific resolutions. And if that sentence made sense anywhere other than my own head, it’ll be a bloody miracle. There are things that I want to have happen…..but they are not things that I can decide. I want to get married – but first you have to get engaged. I don’t’ foresee that happening this coming year, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not something that can or should be high on the priority list. I want to go on vacation, which we had talked about. Again, circumstances will likely prevent this form happening. So I’ll focus on the things I CAN do something about and try not to lose my mind about the rest.

We have no plans for New Year’s Eve…..which kind of blows, but I’m also ok with. I’ve been working my tail off for the past month, and am ok with quietly moving in to 2010 and hopefully dreaming peaceful dreams of what’s to come.

Happy New Year ya’ll – have a safe and happy one!!

What's a girl to do?

I recently read an article that hit home with me at The Happiness Project (http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/11/fifteen-tips-to-avoid-nagging.html#disqus_thread). BTW – if you’re not reading this site yet – go now! While I’m by no means a ray of fucking sunshine on a daily basis, it does help remind me of the positive when I need it. And lately, holy crap, do I need it.

Anyhoodle…..the article talked about expectations, in general terms, such as the division of labour within a household, and how to avoid nagging. As this has recently been an issue in MY household, I was all ears. Erm…eyes. Well, you know what I mean. I’ve been struggling with this overwhelming sense of frustration, as C and I have discussed MANY times, I NEED him to help more. We’re in a period of limited ‘free’ time, and I don’t feel like I should be the only one spending all of my free time doing the things that need to be done. I’m tired of last minute changes in plan (nah, I don’t feel like going to the gym now, when, by the time he tells me this, I could have been there and worked out already, rather than waiting for him). I’m tired of not doing the things I want to do in favour of the things that need to be done, knowing that they won’t get done unless I do them. And I’m tired of having this discussion and him acknowledging the lack of balance and then….not doing anything about it.

So I was all set to read this article and find out how I could use some of the strategies to make them work. And then I read the comments. And y’all? I’m better off just doing it all myself. I have told him, flat-out ‘I need you to help more’. And he says ‘I know, and I will’. And then? Nothing. Unless I very specifically ask. Don’t get me wrong, he asks sometimes if there’s anything he can do, usually when he can tell that I’m pissed/frustrated/ready to throw my fist through the wall. To which I often have to reply ‘no’, because I’ve already done it! And in the back of my mind, I’m thinking ‘look around. Do the plants need to be watered/floors be swept and vacuumed/laundry done/dishes put away etc and so forth and so on. And yet…if I don’t tell him in no uncertain terms *exactly* what needs to be done? Forget it.

I know that he knows how to do these things (I have seen it happen!!). I just struggle with getting him to do it on a regular basis, without my prompting and asking. I need some consistency. Because one day of helping ain’t gonna cut it, sweetheart. Telling me that you appreciate everything that I do? Sweet, but UNHELPFUL. How do I fix this? Start only doing my own laundry, forcing him to help? Leave the bathroom he uses a mess, and start using the other one only myself, forcing him to clean it? Let all the plants die? What??? Please……give a girl some guidance.

Mini-Goal FAIL

Yeah so that last thing? The mini-goal plan? Utter, fucking failure. Shit hit the fan and well…..now it’s just a few short days till Christmas, I’m almost, just barely done my shopping (today is the day!!), have wrapping to do, baking to get done (well……started), and umm, I still haven’t been to the gym.

Been working mad hours over the past couple of weeks (let’s see…..80 ‘regular’ hours plus *counts on fingers* 50 part time hours equals……..too many fucking hours). So. To sum up? Tired.

I’m not usually one for new year’s resolutions, as I, like most, never stick to them. I think maybe it’s time to turn over a new leaf in that regard, and see if maybe I can make them and stick to them. It’s worth a shot anyway, as I have so much that I want to do and accomplish, but all of these things are becoming more and more difficult to follow through on. So maybe my resolution should be to make mini-goals and stick to THEM, in an attempt to reach the end goal?? I don’t know, it COULD work, I suppose.

Anyhoodle……gearing up for Christmas, the family visits and travelling and eating and drinking and gifting, oh my. I’m not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but I do find myself listening to Christmas music and thinking more at this time of year about a ‘higher being’. I’m not about to get up and go to church every Sunday, don’t get me wrong, but I do wonder what it’s like to have something that you believe in that strongly. Listening to ‘O Holy night’ and the like brings these often random thoughts to the forefront of my mind….

It’s going to be a busy week (what’s left of it), and I love Christmas, but feel like I have had no time to enjoy the whole process of decorating and shopping and wrapping and baking this year. Well, I feel that way because I haven’t had any time for any of that stuff. And with some family stuff that’s gone on this year…..it just makes me kind of sad. Some fun and time with friends would have balanced it out nicely. Resolution number 2? Make more fucking time for the fun stuff.

Merry Christmas y’all, and a Happy Healthy New Year!!!!

Holy hell it's been a while

So some changes have definitely occurred recently, resulting in far less posting than planned (I even had drafts!!). But some of those drafts are no longer as relevant, what with them not being posted in a timely manner and all that.

Some hypothetical situations arose, which has resulted in much chaos, and I’m now stressed for a whole new set of reasons. I have no idea how exactly it’s all going play out. The Boy and I are fine, but he was laid-off…..there’s family illness and issues and I got a new job and it’s the f*cking Christmas season, and more stress is NOT what I asked Santa for dammit. For all the stress though, I know that everything will work out in the end. I just have to keep telling myself that so that maybe one day I’ll believe it!

With all that’s been going on, I haven’t made it to the gym in forever, I’m kind of cranky, feeling blegh, frustrated with shopping (for me AND for Christmas), and really want a day off. I need to get into a new routine and stick to it. And I don’t feel like I have any support in that area right now, so it’s even more of a struggle.

They’re calling for snow this week…..I think that may help with getting into the holiday spirit, as Christmas is the only part of winter that I enjoy, and listening to the carols when it’s grey and dreary and rainy out is just not the same.

Not much substance to this, I know. I’ve had posts rattling around in my head that I haven’t had the time or frankly, the energy to post, and think maybe starting to blog my fitness/health goals and progress reports may help hold me accountable. I have a massage booked for tomorrow after work (desperately needed, ow), and a facial on the weekend (to use a gift certificate I got LAST Christmas!), and some time I am going to free up if it kills me dammit to go to the gym.

Mini-goals. It’s my new ‘thing’. Wish me luck y’all.

Items of Miscellanea

Wow - kicking ASS at this 'regular' blogging thing! Or, you know....not.

Anyhoodle. Time has gotten away form me in a flurry of activities.....most of which I HAVE to do, not WANT to do. Which is overwhelmingly frustrating to me. Despite many discussions with C over this state of affairs, it doesn't seem to change. and I guess the point that I'm at now leaves me wondering if I have to change, he does, we both do, or what the hell is the appropriate course of action?? And this, my blog-world friends (not that I have any yet, but, whatev...) is the ultimate question. To which I have no answer. Awesome.

Moving on....I live in Canada. Where we get like, 4 seasons in theory. This year however, we seem to have gotten only one. I believe it could go by a few different names, such as Craptacular, This Blows, and Holy Shit Not Another Day of Rain and/or Cold. Ok, so that last one is a little long, but you get the point. Now I? Do not enjoy the rain. Or cold. So this year in general is not doing a whole lot for me, weather-wise. Since packing up and moving somewhere tropical isn't really so much an option, much less a possibility EVER, I know I have to suck it up. But that doesn't mean I can't whine about Mother Nature who apparently hates me.

And in another random point. I have a gym membership that I don't get to use nearly as often as I'd like (see paragraph numero deux)....but I think I have an answer to this! Motivation. And more specifically, training. You see, there's this half-marathon thingy that I've been considering. And it's just a little under a year away. And I have never ran a marathon before. This one is taking place in Virginia in September 2010, which should provide me with ample time to figure our if it's even possible, with the added bonus of giving me a reason to go back to Virginia Beach. I have researched various recommended 'learn to run' programs and think I can actually do this (scratch that: I CAN do this). And because I want to start DOING things as opposed to thinking about doing things....I think this is a good start. I can do a 5k or something at home in the spring, as well, which should help me figure out the likelihood of making it to the end without the risk of sudden death. Cuz really, no one wants to end the run with DEATH, do they?

Any suggestions???

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I’m working on becoming more decisive. I’m working on looking at the things that I don’t like about myself and attempting to change them. Not fix, but change. Adapt. Re-assess and re-vamp and revise.

I want to feel more like myself more of the time, and less like I am just plodding forward doing the things that I am supposed to do, and constantly being the one who solves the problems. I want to be able to sit back and let someone else take charge and not have to plan and arrange and schedule and then take the flack for it not working out. And maybe this is one of the things I have to look at changing….for my own sanity. Maybe I have to accept that that IS who I am. Or maybe I just need more paper trails.

I’m tired. I need to not be the one who has to think about it all. I need to not always be the cheer leader. I need to step back. And I need to think about what I need, and learn how to ask for it.

I’m moving forward, but standing still. I see progress, but not quickly. I see changes…..but not enough. And so I feel frustrated, and worn out from the trying. But I don’t want to stop trying, changing, moving forward, I just need to find new things. I need projects. Planning. But I also need to feel like I’m not doing it entirely on my own.

I’m working on finding fairness and equality. I’m working on losing the short-tempered hostility and finding more patience. I’m working on stepping back and looking at things through a fresh pair of eyes. And I’m working on making it an easier thing to do, something that is second nature.

As the fairly pessimistic optimist in the relationship, this is a tough balance for me. I work hard at it, and feel disappointed and guilt if I can’t provide the optimism and support to him. But sometimes…I just can’t. I have nothing left. I can’t deal with all of my shit PLUS all of his shit that he may or may not be doing anything about all the time. Something’s gotta give. And sometimes, I just have to say ‘fuck it’. Sometimes some things are just his problem and not mine to do anything about because I can’t fix it, and I can’t push and I can’t utter words of soothing calm and confidence because I just don’t have them.

I have a problem with empathy. See, sometimes when I look at a situation that is maybe nothing new, or easily remedied or whatever…….and I see it from the outside, and I hear the DRAMA! The ANGST! The STRESS! Well, I tune it out. I lose any smidgen of empathy (or is it sympathy at that point?) with the person experiencing it. Because really….you’re unhappy in your job? Look for a new one, or at least find ways to improve the one you have. Stressed about money? Don’t spend so recklessly and/or find a way to make more. Etc and so on and so forth. I can take my time to come to a decision, particularly when faced with tough ones. And sometimes (most times) inactivity and bitching about it is easier than DOING something about it. But I don’t recall anyone saying it would be easy. So….why the surprise?

I guess, all this is to say that I’m getting increasingly frustrated with a multitude of things in life and they’re all piling up and I feel like I have to tamp them down because of the stress that he’s feeling and I don’t want to add to it, but it’s frustrating me too because if you’re that unhappy then DO something about it for the love of GAWD. But? I can’t say that. So I sit and simmer and stew and shake my head and go back to the rambling thoughts in my head and pull on the tenuous string that attaches me to the optimism and try to get some of it back. Just enough of it to push away the bad and get me through one more day.

So, Internets. What do you do when you need something, but feel bad asking for it? And have not nearly enough of what someone else is looking for to give without losing the small amount you kept for yourself? How do you find the balance? And how do you do it without resentment and frustration? And how do you teach yourself to ask for what you need, whether you think you should or not?

Still learning

Alrighty....so we're winging it.
I thought this blogging thing would be easy, yo. Seems I get these great ideas floating around in my head, and so many times I have thought 'wow, if i had a blog, this would make a great post!'. And now here we are, and I got nothing. Well, ok, not NOTHING. But I seem to be having a hard time putting those thoughts to paper, so to speak. And really, that IS the point of this blog - to get back to and used to writing......to learn to express myself more clearly through writing.

I'm in the process of trying to figure out what the hell it is I want to do with my life, and am exploring education options, and career changes and all that goes along with it. For all intents and purposes, I'm currently in what one may consider the best possible position, not from an actual job standpoint, but from an overall employment standpoint. And the thing is, while it definitely has its benefits.....I'm not happy. My job does not make me happy. It doesn't challenge me and it doesn't make me want to get up in the morning. I'm bored and I'm frustrated, and I need a change. And I'm working on it.

The problem is....I feel like this is ongoing thing. I get into a job, and after about a year, I want a change. Sometimes it's because I know there isn't a future where I am, but a lot of times, it's boredom. I always feel like I'm making the right decision at the time, and in the long run, I am, but this restlessness, it makes me wonder. How do you decide what is right for you? How long does it take to find what you were meant to do? I know that I haven't found it yet, but I know what I'm doing now is not it, and I think I know what WILL make me happy. But do some people never find it? I can count on one hand the number 0f people I know who actually love their job. I want to be one of them.

Maybe it's the fall. Despite the fact that I haven't been in school for some time now, I always feel like this is a time of new beginnings, more so than on January 1st. Now I'm just trying to decide what my new beginning will be. This was going to be the year that I made a lot of changes, and I have made a good dent in that list. As hard as I try, I know that I can't do everything at once. But this one? This one is non-negotiable.

The short version

Some things you just know. It’s just a feeling. A sense. A…..rightness. And you don’t have facts to back it up. You don’t need them.

When The Boy and I met…..it was a different time and he and I were both in different places. I mean, they were the same places, but we didn’t know at first how much the same they really were. It was at work, and there is a certain level of professionalism when you first start working somewhere. You meet people, you say the right and appropriate things, and you learn. You learn the job and the office culture and the who’s who, and how things work. And through this, I learned about him. About his personality and the way he is, himself. And I learned more about his life. And in turn, he learned more about mine. And there were jokes, and perhaps speculations, and some teasing. And on the part of him and me, some flirting. And it was fun. But he was taken, and so was I, and it was all just joking around….right?

And as time went on, and we became better friends, inside and outside of work, and we learned more about each other, and our respective relationships were tumbling downhill……the dynamic changed. And the flirting, for me, went from ‘just for fun’, to ‘I wonder what he’s thinking’. Not that I would have ever asked........but I wondered.

More time….more talks….more hugs……more moments. We both went from relationships to single-dom, and work was no longer an issue. And, it was mentioned to me, by a mutual friend, and I laughed and shrugged it off, because surely he’s not thinking that? No….we’re too good of friends and I would never want to lose that. But it didn’t go away. And a few, short hours later…….

That first kiss, and it felt right. It felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I now belonged, as much as any one person can, to the one I was supposed to belong to.

And now. Three years later. It’s gone so fast, and I don’t know how I got so lucky. I always wondered how she couldn’t see and accept him for who he is. But then, mine couldn’t see me for me and just love and accept me for that instead of always making it a challenge, a fight. And now I finally have someone who does see me, and know me, and accept me, and love me for who I really am. There is no more fighting, no more walking on eggshells, just someone who is the perfect fit for me.

So, I realize that I should have probably introduced myself a little better before yesterday's rant, but you know how it goes.

Hi there.

I'd like to, for a while anyway, keep this anonymous, so details will be vague. So what can I tell you? Well, I'm female, 30 (ish), live with my boyfriend and a myriad of pets.....we both work hard and a lot, and so struggle to find quality time together, have more things we want to do than we have the time or money for, and are currently on the same path of trying to figure out what the hell we want to do with our lives.

Conveniently, we plan on staying together, so we're figuring everything out together. Depending on the day, this can be a good thing or a bad thing.......let's just call it a learning process, shall we?
We harbour no strong religious views (SINNERS!!), enjoy many of the same things, but are not one of those together-all-the-time-OMG-we-cannot-be-apart couples (HATE).

I get frustrated with life, stupidity and ignorance, love nature, reading cooking and music, also, dancing like no one is watching (thankfully, since it often happens in the kitchen), and am working on finally doing the things I've wanted to do for a while now. Seems that turning 30 was the kick in the ass I needed....if only I knew before now that I needed the kick in the ass from myself, and not from someone else.

I'll get around to an about page eventually I'm sure......for now, let's just take it slow, ok? I already feel like I've written a personal's ad.

Those days

Have you ever had, you know, one of those days? One of those days where it's all you can do to not just scream? You know you have. We all have. They're inevitable. I guess my question is: how do you handle them when you have to handle them? When there is no choice. When you can't just go home and crawl back into bed, or maybe just drink yourself into oblivion. What do you do then?

I find I talk to myself then....just in my head....telling myself to stay calm, don't snap at people, it's not their fault I'm having a bad day. But sometimes? Sometimes....I just wonder 'how can you possibly be THAT stupid?'. And then I realize it is a little bit their fault that I'm having a bad day. Sure, maybe it wasn't great before they came along, but they certainly haven't done anything to improve it either.

Lately, I've found myself at that point an awful lot. I'm forcing myself to not be short with...well, with everyone. I'm restless and lazy, tired and wide awake, discontent but happy enough with all the things in my life. I'm ying to my own damn yang. I know I need a change, but I'm not sure what kind. I know that I'm not where I thought I would be, but I no longer have a clear picture of where that is, so I don't know how to get there. And I'm finding other people's lack of conviction and surety and their general wishy-washiness frustrating.....despite my own.

But one thing I DO know is that I will figure it out. I always do.

It's new!

So I've decided to try my hand at the whole blogging thing. As a long time reader of blogs, and occassional commenter, I've always been amazed at the responses and support and overall awesomeness of the blogging world! I have no idea how this will go......it may be just one more thing that I add to my plate....but having a place to jot some thoughts, vent and explore the kind of writing that I want to do, it's the best start I could think of! You know, hypothetically speaking.