Ch-ch-ch-changes

I’m working on becoming more decisive. I’m working on looking at the things that I don’t like about myself and attempting to change them. Not fix, but change. Adapt. Re-assess and re-vamp and revise.

I want to feel more like myself more of the time, and less like I am just plodding forward doing the things that I am supposed to do, and constantly being the one who solves the problems. I want to be able to sit back and let someone else take charge and not have to plan and arrange and schedule and then take the flack for it not working out. And maybe this is one of the things I have to look at changing….for my own sanity. Maybe I have to accept that that IS who I am. Or maybe I just need more paper trails.

I’m tired. I need to not be the one who has to think about it all. I need to not always be the cheer leader. I need to step back. And I need to think about what I need, and learn how to ask for it.

I’m moving forward, but standing still. I see progress, but not quickly. I see changes…..but not enough. And so I feel frustrated, and worn out from the trying. But I don’t want to stop trying, changing, moving forward, I just need to find new things. I need projects. Planning. But I also need to feel like I’m not doing it entirely on my own.

I’m working on finding fairness and equality. I’m working on losing the short-tempered hostility and finding more patience. I’m working on stepping back and looking at things through a fresh pair of eyes. And I’m working on making it an easier thing to do, something that is second nature.

As the fairly pessimistic optimist in the relationship, this is a tough balance for me. I work hard at it, and feel disappointed and guilt if I can’t provide the optimism and support to him. But sometimes…I just can’t. I have nothing left. I can’t deal with all of my shit PLUS all of his shit that he may or may not be doing anything about all the time. Something’s gotta give. And sometimes, I just have to say ‘fuck it’. Sometimes some things are just his problem and not mine to do anything about because I can’t fix it, and I can’t push and I can’t utter words of soothing calm and confidence because I just don’t have them.

I have a problem with empathy. See, sometimes when I look at a situation that is maybe nothing new, or easily remedied or whatever…….and I see it from the outside, and I hear the DRAMA! The ANGST! The STRESS! Well, I tune it out. I lose any smidgen of empathy (or is it sympathy at that point?) with the person experiencing it. Because really….you’re unhappy in your job? Look for a new one, or at least find ways to improve the one you have. Stressed about money? Don’t spend so recklessly and/or find a way to make more. Etc and so on and so forth. I can take my time to come to a decision, particularly when faced with tough ones. And sometimes (most times) inactivity and bitching about it is easier than DOING something about it. But I don’t recall anyone saying it would be easy. So….why the surprise?

I guess, all this is to say that I’m getting increasingly frustrated with a multitude of things in life and they’re all piling up and I feel like I have to tamp them down because of the stress that he’s feeling and I don’t want to add to it, but it’s frustrating me too because if you’re that unhappy then DO something about it for the love of GAWD. But? I can’t say that. So I sit and simmer and stew and shake my head and go back to the rambling thoughts in my head and pull on the tenuous string that attaches me to the optimism and try to get some of it back. Just enough of it to push away the bad and get me through one more day.

So, Internets. What do you do when you need something, but feel bad asking for it? And have not nearly enough of what someone else is looking for to give without losing the small amount you kept for yourself? How do you find the balance? And how do you do it without resentment and frustration? And how do you teach yourself to ask for what you need, whether you think you should or not?