You know the saying ‘work smart, not hard’? Yeah….I need to work on that.
Logically, I know that’s how I should work. I know that I need to learn to be more mindful in everything that I do. I know that I need to sit down and pay more attention and focus and be more ‘in the moment’, but I haven’t figured out HOW to do that yet.
I know that I make excuses for this. I’m too busy, I’m too tired, I’m overwhelmed with too much to do. I don’t’ have to drop everything that I am doing in THAT moment to do what one person asks of me. And I find that I am doing this a lot at work. In many cases, it is very much because of the excuses that I mentioned above. I am doing the job of two, sometimes three people on any given day. I can spend some days running up and down the stairs far more than I am at my desk. And I can have so many things land on my desk at once that I have to leave myself notes about other things that have to be done, outside of my ‘to-do’ list.
It’s in those moments that I need to FOCUS. Yes, that deserves all caps. I need to learn how to finish one task before moving on to another…..I know what happens when I do that. I know that I become distracted and forget where I was and lose my train of thought and spend more time getting back to it than I would have spent finishing it in the first place.
How do we get into these habits……and more importantly, how do we get out? I know the answer to that of course. You make a decision, and you do it. Because no one is going to monitor this and keep me on track but me. Clearly I am not someone that is just naturally good at this type of thing. So I think I need a trigger……..a reminder to stay in the moment. There are few times when I can do that easily, like when I’m cooking…….I may not be paying attention to my hand chopping those vegetables, my mind may wander, but I am smelling the peppers and onions and spices and the bacon cooking and tasting the saltiness of the cheese and the lightness of the whipped butter. I am experiencing all of those things IN THE MOMENT, even if I’m not actively focussed on them. Which puts me one step closer to where I think I need to be. Now what I need is to figure out how to transfer that ability over to all the other areas of my life, both work and personal.
Because I? Truly do suck at it. Case in point: I stopped writing this post once to cruise the Interwebs. For about 5.2 seconds I wandered off because I thought about what I had turned away from doing for no good reason…..to do the very thing that I was writing about in the first place. Which I guess proves to me that I can do it……..but can I do it consistently?
I think maybe the best thing I can do for now is start small. Stay in the moment in conversations, actively listen, taste completely and be more in tune with everything. I truly believe that this is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat a product of the world we live in………….and maybe I just need to post this, and come back and read it every now and again when I find myself off-track and going in too many directions at once.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I don't wanna grow up......or do I?
When do you finally feel like a grown-up? Like a real adult? Like you are in charge of your life?
I'm sitting here thinking that at 30 years old, despite being able to pay for and drive my own car, pay my own rent, buy my own groceries and pay my own bills, despite having had many jobs and currently having two, despite negotiating with the bank and making my own plans and doing so many of the thing associate d with being a grown-up.........why do I still feel like I'm floundering? Like I have yet to get a foothold on life as an adult? Like no matter how close I come, I'm not QUITE there yet? When does that change? Or does it ever change? Maybe it's a mindset that I haven't gotten in to yet, or maybe it's just that it happens when it happens and there is no way to change that consciously.
Things are changing in our lives, seemingly all for the good at this point, and that's awesome and I'm excited about the possibilities. But it all makes me wonder if it's late getting here, or if we are 'on schedule'. I have friends that seem to be so much farther ahead, but when I look deeper and harder at their individual situations, maybe they aren't farther ahead. Maybe they rushed ahead, and are now moving backwards to where they are supposed to be. No one really expects to get married, have a kid and be divorced by 30....do they? Considering I have more than one friend in this situation, it makes me think that I am indeed doing this the right way.
I need to stop looking at what other people have, and what they have accomplished (whether it's through hard work or not), and focus on what is right for me and what I ultimately want. I know that that is what I should do. But dammit, it's hard sometimes. I'm getting there, I really am.....it's just that my focus gets lost sometimes. I'm working on finding my focus again.....and I know that I'll get there.
I'm sitting here thinking that at 30 years old, despite being able to pay for and drive my own car, pay my own rent, buy my own groceries and pay my own bills, despite having had many jobs and currently having two, despite negotiating with the bank and making my own plans and doing so many of the thing associate d with being a grown-up.........why do I still feel like I'm floundering? Like I have yet to get a foothold on life as an adult? Like no matter how close I come, I'm not QUITE there yet? When does that change? Or does it ever change? Maybe it's a mindset that I haven't gotten in to yet, or maybe it's just that it happens when it happens and there is no way to change that consciously.
Things are changing in our lives, seemingly all for the good at this point, and that's awesome and I'm excited about the possibilities. But it all makes me wonder if it's late getting here, or if we are 'on schedule'. I have friends that seem to be so much farther ahead, but when I look deeper and harder at their individual situations, maybe they aren't farther ahead. Maybe they rushed ahead, and are now moving backwards to where they are supposed to be. No one really expects to get married, have a kid and be divorced by 30....do they? Considering I have more than one friend in this situation, it makes me think that I am indeed doing this the right way.
I need to stop looking at what other people have, and what they have accomplished (whether it's through hard work or not), and focus on what is right for me and what I ultimately want. I know that that is what I should do. But dammit, it's hard sometimes. I'm getting there, I really am.....it's just that my focus gets lost sometimes. I'm working on finding my focus again.....and I know that I'll get there.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Woohoo!!!
We have progress, people!! The lay-off chaos is slowly coming down and things are settling and plans are being made and goals are being set and we can get back to some sense of normalcy. Whatever the hell that is.
If all goes according to plan, we can get back to house0-hunting within a couple of months and make something happen there before the HST comes into effect. It means we can get some debt paid. It means we can move froward. Sigh. It's been a long time coming.
Of course, with some of the changes come some other options. With The Boy's new career, the locations open up and with it the possibilities. So, really, we could move. Or we could stay. Or we could.....I don't know. We have options, is all I'm saying, and that, my friends, is a good thing.
I feel like we are now at a point where we can start to breathe again. It's not all done yet, but it's almost there, and there are no foreseeable bumps in the road. I'm hoping there is no cause to go backwards, but even if there is, we can make it work.
I have been horrible at actually doing all the things I need to do, or should do. I haven't been looking after myself the way I should and have been letting things get to me that I have no control over. I have been over-tired and over-stressed, and it's all leading to frustration. I felt moderately better after a mini-breakdown on the weekend, but must get back to looking after me. I guess baby steps will be the key.
On the bright side, while having my little mini-breakdown on the weekend, The Boy did mention a list of things that he wants out of life.....like buying a house....and getting married. Which....yay? I mean, we've talked about it in vague terms, but I also know how he has felt about marriage in the past, and I don't think he has ever stated so specifically that he wants to get married. And now, I can see it actually becoming a reality. I have been thinking about marriage A LOT lately....probably more than is healthy, since there was no sign of it being something that was going to take place in the near future. And I want to get married. And I'm excited about that being a possibility too. So cheers to good things.
If all goes according to plan, we can get back to house0-hunting within a couple of months and make something happen there before the HST comes into effect. It means we can get some debt paid. It means we can move froward. Sigh. It's been a long time coming.
Of course, with some of the changes come some other options. With The Boy's new career, the locations open up and with it the possibilities. So, really, we could move. Or we could stay. Or we could.....I don't know. We have options, is all I'm saying, and that, my friends, is a good thing.
I feel like we are now at a point where we can start to breathe again. It's not all done yet, but it's almost there, and there are no foreseeable bumps in the road. I'm hoping there is no cause to go backwards, but even if there is, we can make it work.
I have been horrible at actually doing all the things I need to do, or should do. I haven't been looking after myself the way I should and have been letting things get to me that I have no control over. I have been over-tired and over-stressed, and it's all leading to frustration. I felt moderately better after a mini-breakdown on the weekend, but must get back to looking after me. I guess baby steps will be the key.
On the bright side, while having my little mini-breakdown on the weekend, The Boy did mention a list of things that he wants out of life.....like buying a house....and getting married. Which....yay? I mean, we've talked about it in vague terms, but I also know how he has felt about marriage in the past, and I don't think he has ever stated so specifically that he wants to get married. And now, I can see it actually becoming a reality. I have been thinking about marriage A LOT lately....probably more than is healthy, since there was no sign of it being something that was going to take place in the near future. And I want to get married. And I'm excited about that being a possibility too. So cheers to good things.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Mememememe
Ok, so I totally bogarted this ‘year in review’ from others……I think I saw it on Sundry’s site first years ago. I think I need to reflect on 2009 more than other years in order to fully form a plan and know what I need to do to get to where I want to be in 2010. I don’t make resolutions. They are too daunting. I will set goals for myself, however, because I have to have something to work towards….and not blindly.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to Virginia, started a blog ….sadly that’s all I can think of right now. There must have been more, but I think they only way I would remember would be if I had a blog to reflect on.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One friend had an awesome little baby boy.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother-in-law passed away – it was expected, but sad, especially right before Christmas
5. What countries did you visit?
The US
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Motivation to do the things that I need to do and the time to do the things I want to do. More money, an idea of where I want my future to be career-wise, stability and an engagement. Also, travel.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My 30th birthday, which I was dreading (but the party was great!). The logn weekend we took in Virginia Beach in May. Other than that, the entire month of March sucked donkey balls, so let’s not do THAT again, m’kay?
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a gym membership and using it. Paying off a student loan (one down!!) and maintaining a positive outlook (for the most part), through periods of suckiness that just. Kept. Coming.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Umm…..not sticking to the gym thing as much as I should or want to. Also? Not taking time for ME.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. *knocks on wood*
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Huh. I don’t know, really. Can’t think of anything in particular, but it certainly wasn’t a year for big or exciting purchases. 2010 sure as hell won’t be either.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
C’s, for his patient and laid back attitude every single time I lost my shit.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My brother’s, to some degree.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt, rent/moving, and miscellaneous crap that we probably didn’t need.
15. What did you get really excited about?
Virginia Beach, baby!!!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I’m Yours by Jason Mraz. There are probably others, but that’s the only one springing to mind right now
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier overall
– thinner or fatter? Ummm…about the same
– richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going to the gym, taking more time for me, seeing some friends more, and paying more attention to…life in general.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work. And worry.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With C and family at various times
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I had already fallen for C…..but love him more as time goes by (sickening, I know)
22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office and Dexter
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
There are certainly people that I am not fond of, but ‘hate’ seems a little too harsh and hating someone would definitely take up way too much of my time.
24. What was the best book you read?
Ummm….apparently none were that memorable.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kings of Leon??? Not so much a ‘discovery’, but an instant liking.
26. What did you want and get?
To go to Virginia Beach with C, a gym membership.
27. What did you want and not get?
A house of our own, a ring, free time to go to the gym, read more, travel more.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Much like the book question? None stood out.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
30, party with friends at the cottage for a whole bloody weekend. It was the best birthday I never wanted to have.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If we were closer to being able to buy a house instead of dealing with circumstances causing that goal to be farther away.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Frustrating. I have a terrible time finding clothes that fit, so I sometimes end up buying things that ALMOST fit or are ALMOST right. As a result, I have some clothes that I like and are comfortable in, and some that are just ok, and leave me fussing all day. I’m trying to find more comfort while staying in the realm of work-appropriate.
32. What kept you sane?
C, and positive thinking in general (how much that worked is questionable).
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
John Krasinski. I heart Jim. J
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing really……I pay attention to it, but tend to not get ‘stirred’.
35. Who did you miss?
Friends and family I don’t get to see nearly enough
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Hmm…..I met a lot of new people, mostly through work, but am trying to focus more on the ‘best’ people I already know that I don’t get to spend enough time with.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
I learned that compromise is key, and that I need to pay more attention. And also that sometimes? You just know.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to Virginia, started a blog ….sadly that’s all I can think of right now. There must have been more, but I think they only way I would remember would be if I had a blog to reflect on.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make any.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
One friend had an awesome little baby boy.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother-in-law passed away – it was expected, but sad, especially right before Christmas
5. What countries did you visit?
The US
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Motivation to do the things that I need to do and the time to do the things I want to do. More money, an idea of where I want my future to be career-wise, stability and an engagement. Also, travel.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My 30th birthday, which I was dreading (but the party was great!). The logn weekend we took in Virginia Beach in May. Other than that, the entire month of March sucked donkey balls, so let’s not do THAT again, m’kay?
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a gym membership and using it. Paying off a student loan (one down!!) and maintaining a positive outlook (for the most part), through periods of suckiness that just. Kept. Coming.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Umm…..not sticking to the gym thing as much as I should or want to. Also? Not taking time for ME.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. *knocks on wood*
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Huh. I don’t know, really. Can’t think of anything in particular, but it certainly wasn’t a year for big or exciting purchases. 2010 sure as hell won’t be either.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
C’s, for his patient and laid back attitude every single time I lost my shit.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My brother’s, to some degree.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Debt, rent/moving, and miscellaneous crap that we probably didn’t need.
15. What did you get really excited about?
Virginia Beach, baby!!!!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I’m Yours by Jason Mraz. There are probably others, but that’s the only one springing to mind right now
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier overall
– thinner or fatter? Ummm…about the same
– richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going to the gym, taking more time for me, seeing some friends more, and paying more attention to…life in general.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work. And worry.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With C and family at various times
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I had already fallen for C…..but love him more as time goes by (sickening, I know)
22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office and Dexter
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
There are certainly people that I am not fond of, but ‘hate’ seems a little too harsh and hating someone would definitely take up way too much of my time.
24. What was the best book you read?
Ummm….apparently none were that memorable.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Kings of Leon??? Not so much a ‘discovery’, but an instant liking.
26. What did you want and get?
To go to Virginia Beach with C, a gym membership.
27. What did you want and not get?
A house of our own, a ring, free time to go to the gym, read more, travel more.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Much like the book question? None stood out.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
30, party with friends at the cottage for a whole bloody weekend. It was the best birthday I never wanted to have.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If we were closer to being able to buy a house instead of dealing with circumstances causing that goal to be farther away.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Frustrating. I have a terrible time finding clothes that fit, so I sometimes end up buying things that ALMOST fit or are ALMOST right. As a result, I have some clothes that I like and are comfortable in, and some that are just ok, and leave me fussing all day. I’m trying to find more comfort while staying in the realm of work-appropriate.
32. What kept you sane?
C, and positive thinking in general (how much that worked is questionable).
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
John Krasinski. I heart Jim. J
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing really……I pay attention to it, but tend to not get ‘stirred’.
35. Who did you miss?
Friends and family I don’t get to see nearly enough
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Hmm…..I met a lot of new people, mostly through work, but am trying to focus more on the ‘best’ people I already know that I don’t get to spend enough time with.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
I learned that compromise is key, and that I need to pay more attention. And also that sometimes? You just know.
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